There are certain things we need to put into consideration, specific and deliberate questions we need to ask ourselves first before we even think of proceeding further in that relationship. I strongly believe that if we have these questions at the front of our mind they will serve as a guide when considering our choices and decisions. People who fail to bear these questions in mind often find it hard and sometimes struggle with a relationship like it’s a tedious task. But if we equip ourselves with these questions at heart we won’t have a doubt if we are in the right place or not.
These questions I’m about to share with you are not all exhaustive but I believe they are the foundational questions that are necessary we ask ourselves before we say “I do”. So, don’t get surprised if you don’t see the questions you have in mind here. It could be that you are not asking the right question. But having a knowledge of these questions will help you to either discard thoughts of doubt or even approve of it. In as much as they are questions we need to ask ourselves, they serve also as criteria upon which we are to accept or reject certain proposals.
These questions are mutually non-exclusive in that you can’t choose to pick one and discard the rest. You have to carefully consider them all.
Five questions you ought to ask before you say “I do”
- Born Again
The first question that should come to mind is to ask “is he/she born again?” I’m not talking about a churchgoer here, I mean genuinely born again. Because we have a lot of folks who go to church but have no relationship with Jesus. Before you start falling head-over-heels for this person, you must ask yourself this question. Asking this question firstly helps you to set a limit or a boundary of just going into all manner of relationship. And if you are planning on any, it serves as a check on that relationship.
The apostle Paul gave an instruction in regards choosing a spouse and he has this to say: “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39, emphasis added). In other words, the person must be a believer. A believer should not think of getting married to an unbeliever.
- Spiritual Understanding
Having found out if he/she is a believer (born again), the next question that we should seek an answer for is “what is the spiritual condition of him/her?”. Some persons may be thinking “Moses, aren’t you being so spiritual about this”. Because I understand that the wisdom of man has failed to provide a solution to the problem of man. It takes the wisdom of God! I think Nollywood and Hollywood have done a great deal of damage to the minds of our youths that they have been programmed to think and act in a certain direction.
Spiritual understanding has to do with both of you speaking the same spiritual language. The truth is that two can never walk together except they agree and it takes one with a teachable spirit as we shall see next to become submissive to learn. Before you say “I do” you must know the spiritual background of him/her. Whether we like it or not, every member of the body of Christ are not yet speaking the same spiritual language and because of that, it’s imperative that you know the condition of their spirit before you jump into it.
I recommend that you consider one who has the same level of spiritual understanding or one higher than yours.
Having understood the aspect of spiritual understanding, the next question you should ask yourself “is he/she teachable?”. Let me paint this scenario really quick, a guy met a lady and the guy’s level of spiritual understanding seems higher than that of the lady. It takes a lady with a teachable spirit to be humble enough to give up what she knows for what she doesn’t know. There are some ladies, you are trying to explain some things to them, they are not just ready to listen to what you want to say, they have already their preconceived notion which they are not ready to let go. With this kind of attitude, it will be difficult for you to be teachable. A lady was explaining to me that she tried correcting a guy she is currently in a relationship with and he took it personally. I had to make her understand that her manner of approach in regards her correction could have been faulty. A man of God once said, “the best way to destroy what you are trying to say is by trying to teach your teachers”. Is he/she open to learning and correction?
- Purpose (Vision)
The next question to ask “what is his/her purpose/vision?”. In my article titled Are We Compatible I explained extensively on this question. As a lady, you should at no time consider a guy who has no vision in life. As a guy, you should on no occasion think of entering a relationship without first walking in your purpose, otherwise, why are you looking for a wife? Adam was already working, tending the garden, which was his primary assignment before Eve came. I encourage you to look up my article on Are We Compatible to get a broad understanding of this question.
As a lady, having found out that he has a purpose/vision, then you ask yourself “can I fit into that purpose or vision?”. It’s not just enough to know he has a purpose but you should also consider if you can fit into that purpose/vision. As a guy, who is in his purpose already, you must understand that it’s not every lady that can fit into that purpose. A guy said to me “mehn, I saw one very beautiful lady, jeez, this girl was too pretty”. I asked him “when you say a lady is very beautiful what comes to your mind?”. Not all “beautiful ladies” can fit into that beautiful vision/purpose you have. You must discern that which can fit in. In my article Understanding the Purpose of Singleness, I discussed this.
- Income and Apartment
If you were to ask yourself these questions I have discussed thus far, the first question that would come to mind as a lady would have been “does he have money?”. There is nothing wrong with that question, but that shouldn’t be your focus. What if the guy has all the money and apartment but lacks purpose/vision, he is not born again, what would you do? Will you say “I do” or “I don’t”? I once heard a mother telling her daughter “do not marry any man that doesn’t have money oh”, and she was quite serious about it.
As a lady, you should ask yourself “does he have an income and an apartment?” and as a guy ask yourself “do I have an income and an apartment?”. I know there are some ladies out there who are ready to dispute what I’m about to say but I would say it anyway. Ladies, if the young man has passed all of the questions above, this one shouldn’t be a hindrance from your union. In as much as he has enough to take care of your immediate needs and has a shelter over your head, you should consider him. Are there any companies that expand in the space of one – six months? But that company definitely has a start-up capital which covers the salary of all the staffs in the organisation. With time the company begins to expand. So also, the guy’s start-up capital could be just enough to start a family of his own. With time the start-up capital will begin to yield returns.
Gentlemen, before you say “I do”, you ought to have left your father’s house. Gen.2:24 “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife…” (emphasis added). You can’t be in your father’s house and say “I do”.